Surprising as it may be, Polo is quickly rising to the top of most popular sports in the United States.
Polo is a team sport played outdoors on horseback in which the objective is to score goals against an opposing team. Riders score by driving a white wooden or plastic ball (size 3–3.5 inches, weight 4.25–4.75 ounces) into the opposing team’s goal using a long-handled mallet. Goals are only valid if the scoring rider is mounted. The traditional sport of polo is played outdoors, and each polo team consists of four riders and their mounts.
Wikipedia.org
Freeman has recently expressed great interest in bringing a Polo team to UMBC. When asked, “where are we to get the funding for such an expensive team?” He responded, “We have been deliberating that issue and it seems that cutting funding for our mens soccer team is becoming more and more reasonable.”
I was perplexed because soccer is one of the least expensive sports to play, which is why it is very popular in poor countries. I looked into this a bit further and some astounding bits of information came to light. 
It appears as though we have been pampering our mens soccer team to no end. I looked into their monthly expenses and through some strange circumstances (and a bit of foul play, I suspected) the team has been receiving $200,000 every month. The team has been spending this money faster than you can say “a Prull Phulls.” At first, they bought the usual extravagant purchases, expensive cars, jewelery, and a house in the Bahamas. That wasn’t enough. They were finding themselves empty and unhappy and resorted to playing expensive pranks on each other. Once the captain won the giant soccer ball on ebay, things got out of hand.
Dr. Charles Brown did not care to comment.
I was very curious as to how they were getting their hands on this money and nobody was complaining. So, I investigated. My worst fears were confirmed. It made so much sense that if nobody was talking about it, it must be coming from one of the higher-ups in the athletic department. I am talking, of course, about Dr. Brown himself. 
I did a Google image search for Charles Brown and I was amazed at how easily I was able to find a surveillance photo of a drug deal in Brown’s early days. It is a classic case of blackmail.
The kid in the background wearing the sailor’s cap is none other than Philippe Bissohong, formerly of UMBC mens soccer. One morning after reading the newspaper, an idea clicked in Philippe’s head and he began threatening to tell everyone of Dr. Brown’s exploits in his earlier days. Dr. Brown, even though he has been clean and sober for near 80 years now, had no choice.
After discovering this atrocity, and being the top-rate investigative journalist that I am, I had to do what was right. I, too, began to blackmail Dr. Brown and it was easier than I thought. I too spiraled into a habit of buying things that I normally wouldn’t have ever dreamed of owning. Things like deodorant, tooth paste and indoor plumbing no longer seemed like luxury items. But like the soccer team, my spending soon spun out of control. Dr. Brown decided he’d had enough after I purchased a Kawasaki Ninja Pow-Pow-Power Wheels, something I had been denied by my own parents for 21 years.
Soon afterward, Dr. Brown went to Freeman and revealed himself– er, rather, told Freeman about the mistake he made when he was just a blockhead. Freeman was very understanding of Dr. Brown’s situation and was appalled at the behavior of the soccer team. I admitted that I had also gone crazy with power and bought 3 10-packs of chicken flavored Ramen Noodle Soup and 2 3-liter bottles of Dr. Skipper which were on sale for $0.89 each at Safeway. He looked at me like I was crazy. I did not blame him, as I had obviously gotten caught up in the lifestyle of the rich and famous. He graciously let me off the hook. I told him I would never forget his kindness and I would let the world know what took place.
So here I am. While everyone else is writing trivial and humorous articles in celebration of April Fool’s Day, I am a Lone Ranger and my only weapon is truth.
